And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
