hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
did i walk over a car last night?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Randomize
