cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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