She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
