ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
