On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Randomize
