I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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