I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
