I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
