New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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