I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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