hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
