3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
