i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
