dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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