Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
