i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
