I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
