in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
