if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
