I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Pooping to opera.
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