I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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