While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
