I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
