I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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