I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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