Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
