i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
