Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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