but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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