He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
