Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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