I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
