Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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