and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize