My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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