If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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