Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
