That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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