I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
