took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
