The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
