I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
