I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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