Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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