i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I touched a dick in church today
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
