you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
