Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
