you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
