my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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