Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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