i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
