she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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