You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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