Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
