If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's official drugs can't kill me
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
