Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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