im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
